As the dust settles around this experience we call life there are incidents that affect us in unimaginable ways. Speaking from the perspective of someone who isn’t even thirty yet I find it extremely discomforting to realize the amount of death that has surrounded myself in the past year. My complete lack of social media presence until recently has only seemed to compound my emotions.
Firstly, my step father passed away from a massive heart attack. This was unexpected to say the least and the warning signs just weren’t there. He hadn’t even reach the age of 50. His children were deeply affected and my brothers were no exception. What I found very hard to grasp was that I wasn’t told about it until almost 3 months later which only compounded the feelings I still have about the situation.
Secondly, I had a friend get hit by a car on his way home from work. He was 32. Shocked and saddened to hear the news I kicked myself pretty hard that this happened a week before I rejoined social media. We had a phone conversation about a year prior were he wasn’t in the best of places and I talked though some of the issues he was experiencing. Things ended on a good note and I made it clear that he could always reach out and I’d be there to help.
I’ve never been a stranger to talk about depression and suicide. I frankly have experienced quite a bit for someone of my age and if I can get someone to rethink their current state of mind things usually seem to work out for the best.
Lastly, I come to one of the most difficult deaths I’ve ever experienced. His passing has deeply affected myself in some pretty dramatic and awful ways.
My friend from high school and roommate of almost 2 years committed suicide in May 2016. He was 29. I find it difficult to comprehend as I only found out about what happened by fluke. I had tried to reach out to him back in September 2016 when I rejoined social media but I hadn’t gotten a reply. Last week I was curious and figuring something was up I decided to do a quick internet search, which is when I found it. A heartfelt obituary.
He and I had similar pasts. We both struggled with depression, suicide and substance but we both overcame it. He finished his programming degree, was working as a programmer and had become clean. We both had multiyear struggles to get to a point of happiness and we had talked deeply about it throughout the years.
When we had our talks they weren’t the typical sunshine and roses ones you hear society talk about. They were the ugly, emotional and disturbing talks about depression and suicide. We had delved deep into the inner workings of why we were depressed and why we felt suicide or substance was the answer. We talked about how it felt when going past the point of no return in an emotional suicidal stupor but we always came to the same conclusion after these multi hour talks. It seemed right at moment but neither of us actually wanted to die. We just wanted an outlet.
We lost contact around 2014 due to changing life circumstances. I had grown tired of our hometown and wanted out but he had grown to love it. What actually happened in that time that changed his life forever will always leave questions unanswered.
If I had reached out could things of been different?
Had he really reached rock bottom or was it a cry for help?
Did he know that I was always going to be a friend that he could ask for help without judgement?
I had always imagined that with the life I’ve lived that I would be the one to go in such a tragic and devastating way. There is nothing I can do about the past but despite that it still leaves an emotional scar that cannot be healed. Death has a massive impact on the living and if it’s by suicide that reach is exponentially larger.
Let your feelings, loyalties and actions be pure today because life is short and tomorrow is not guaranteed.
Until next time,